“I’m just empty inside”. I told my Nana. I was sitting next to her bed at the extended living home we placed her in due to a few strokes she had in the past. She is my listener, my protector, she’s my “person”. She couldn’t respond to my statement, the stroke took her words away, but she grabbed my hand and squoze it. I know what she wanted to say.
I grew up in a family that is very aware of the supernatural powers of God. We believe in Jesus and that he died on the cross and rose on the third day for our sins. I grew up being taught that, experienced it on my own and believed this with all of my heart.
As I grew up I started to have a battle between what I was being forced to believe and what I had not yet been proven to be true at all. I had a hard time believing that God did not want me to wear makeup, weave, paint my nails or listen to R&B music.
I understood that a few of these things have a connection to ones spirituality. We’re taught in Christianity that idolization is a sin amongst many and that you could form a God out of anything; money, a person, makeup. Whatever you loved to your core, whatever took your primary focus away from God, whatever caused you to obsess over “negatively” is considered “idolization”.
This one time, while living in Gaithersburg, MD back in 2010, I was waiting at the bus stop by my house on my way to class. My father happened to drive by me and gave me a call on his cell phone. “Kira, what is that on your lips?” He asked me. “It’s lipstick” I answered. “You shouldn’t be wearing that stuff Kira, it’s not Godly. God doesn’t want you to wear makeup”, he said.
I had spent $10 on this pretty peach lipstick and I loved it and what blew my mind the most was that instead of him picking me up to take me to school, he rebuked my wearing lipstick. I was so confused. God must have told you to drive right on pass me too while he was influencing you to tell me this…oh okay.
My father loves the Lord and is a great man of God. He follows Jesus and has always been my teacher when it comes to living a Godly life. I absolutely love my Daddy. If it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t have experienced to true nature of God, by his interest in the supernatural. He’s a bit conservative, but that’s just him.
As I grew older, I started to live life for myself…the way that I wanted. I knew that I was a good person and didn’t feel like this amazing God who loves me so very much, hates the lipstick that I wear, the weave I enjoyed or the skinny jeans that fit my physique. Who is this “Jesus” that everyone speaks of? This guy is judgmental and I don’t want anything to do with “Your God”.
That religious “Jesus” that most Christian’s have created is not the man that I know. The “Jesus” that you see people wear on chains, or in churches, the one with the pale skin and blue eyes..yeah that ain’t the Jesus that I know.
The “Jesus” that people blame as the reason why their parents are physically and mentally abusive against them, due to their sexual orientation, is not the God that I know. And that “Jesus” that judges those opposite of him for sure ain’t the God that I love.
That man, that “God” that I just described is NOT JESUS. That, my fellow readers, is a man made religious IDOL made up by religious bigots who call themselves “Christians”. Those judgmental people who make it hard for those seeking help to go to church, because of how they will be viewed, are the ones making it hard for REAL CHRISTIANS to share God’s love to people.
You see, the enemy isn’t an idiot. He uses wolves in sheep’s clothing to deceive a lot of people, and some of his own workers go to church EVERY SINGLE DAY!
These are the people who have drastically made it hard to teach people about this wonderful God who loves them regardless of any sin, any state of mind, any choice of clothing, any hairstyle and etc. I knew who this man was and I knew he wasn’t the man people tried to get me to believe.
In church you’re taught the basics, well your supposed too be. Church now a days has become so inspirational that it’s like a long drawn out gospel song that starts at 10am and ends around 12. It’s sort of like a show where you dress really pretty and listen to a preacher tell you things that you already know. The healing’s have stopped, the worship starts and ends before the congregation even gets there, and bible study is hosted on a set day, instead of the day all the people actually go to church. I had enough of that.
“Nana I ain’t going to church no more. It’s boring and I literally get nothing from it. I swear I could preach a sermon better than my preacher can, PLUS there’s no worship! Everyone wants to sing and be happy, but they aren’t dealing with the spiritual struggles that we all have! There’s no crying out! I’m furious”. I told her
“I am no longer a Christian! I now am follower of Christ”. I said boldly to my Daddy, awaiting his negative criticism. He laughed and stated “Kira, that’s perfectly fine, as long as you don’t forget who Jesus truly is”.
I’ve managed to make great friends who would always ask me, “What is it about you? You have a light? Or, I would always get the friend who would just spill their problems out to me and I would respond with love. People who are hurting need love, not criticism. Jesus taught me that.
I had allowed my “religious” background to create a very judgmental person within me. I down talked anyone who drank alcohol, smoked weed, went to the club, had sex. Yup, I was just like those people that I described earlier in my post. I was a religious bigot.
(I’ll get into who Jesus is for all ya’ll Jesus haters in another post, not dealing with ya’ll today)
Long story short, I was searching for love. One day while in my word, I asked the holy spirit “God, please give me a heart like yours. I want to love people the way that you do. This way, I will have the desire in my heart to pray for them and mean it and be consistent with it”.
I suffered loss. I had my heart broken by friends who I loved so deeply, a boyfriend who I thought would never hurt me, parents hurtful words and the biggest hurt of them all, self hurt. I was unhappy with myself, and begging for love in all the wrong places made me sick to look at myself in the mirror.
“Pray for them Kira. Forgive them” is all Jesus kept telling me and I was not trying to hear it. “I’M NOT PRAYING FOR THEM! SKIP THEM! THEY HURT ME! THEY DON’T LOVE ME!”
“You asked for a heart like mine. I love those who leave and turn their backs on me. If you want to love the people, you must learn to forgive, pray and continue to love”.
The Holy Spirit told me this December 2016. It changed my life forever.
I realized at that moment what God’s essence really was; an unwavering love for us. An unconditional love that does not diminish due to our mistakes, wrongs, or makeup. God doesn’t care about that at all. He looks at the heart. He loves you.
If I wanted to love the people like God does, I had to experience hurt and loss like he does, all while forgiving and loving them regardless. No matter what wrong doings were done to me, I had to continue to love.
Since deciding to leave the church, I’ve spent more time in my word and have researched answers to my biblical questions. I’ve even had my own personal supernatural experiences with God, that allowed me to realize that he is more real than I realize, and once you open up your heart and mind to receiving him, you just cant live without him.
Now I’m not suggesting that all churches are alike. A lot of churches do have great Leader’s who teach the true gospel and promote God’s healing and helping ability.
God also tells his messengers (can be pastors, priests etc) things that he wont tell others. He also calls certain individuals to do certain things like healing’s, ministering, prophecy, etc. You could miss out on a message, by avoiding a church home or outlet.
I, since leaving my church, follow certain men of God via U-stream, YouTube, and you may even catch me at a bible study. Until I find a place where I can get what I am searching for in a church home, Ill stick with creating that atmosphere at home and will continue to do so if I ever find a great church.
I wrote this to help someone who feels lost inside or outside of the church, I decided to find God out for myself, and remove the religious mindset and actions that I had from following what other religious people “TOLD ME” I should do. Religion is man made, but God accepts those who follow his likeness and love him and others. If your religion is suggesting more criticism than love and leaves you empty inside, instead of filling you up, try God on your own. He will always reveal himself to you.